ADHD glossary · Family perspectives
Active listening: check the request before answering it
We use active listening here to mean giving attention to what someone is communicating and checking that we have understood before responding. In an ordinary household conversation, that might be a brief summary followed by “Did I get that right?” The other person decides whether the summary matches what they meant.
General education and practical perspectives. Editorial standards.
This is a practical conversation example, not a therapeutic technique or a promise about relationships. Listening is different from agreeing, offering advice, or deciding what another person feels. A household meeting supplies an agenda; this page concerns a single exchange within or outside a meeting.
Worked example: “Please don't finish it for me”
In this invented scene, a teen is assembling a model. A parent starts adding pieces. The teen says, “I asked you to sit here, not finish it for me.”
The parent could check the actual request: “You want company, and you want to place the pieces yourself. Have I understood?” The teen corrects part of it: “You can hold the base if I ask. I don't want you to decide what goes next.”
The parent replies to that version: “I can sit with you. I'll leave the pieces where they are unless you ask me to hold something.” If the parent cannot stay, they can say so. Understanding the request does not require promising unavailable time.
A sibling nearby might have a different request: “I want the other half of the table.” That is a separate contribution, not evidence that the teen's account was wrong. The parent can check it separately without asking either child to interpret the other's motives.
No result is reported here. The exchange illustrates how a correction changes the proposed response; it does not show that a listening method improved behavior or resolved a relationship.
Copy a listening check
Use whichever parts sound natural. Repeating the whole script is not required.
Before we begin: Is now a time you want to discuss this?
What I heard you say:
The request or question I think you are making:
What I am unsure about:
My check: "Did I get that right, or is something different?"
Your correction, if you want to give one:
My response to the corrected request:
What I can offer / what I cannot offer:
Whether we want another conversation, and when:
We suggest distinguishing someone's words from your interpretation. “You said you want the door closed” is narrower than “You are angry with everyone.” A person can name their own feeling if they want; the listener does not need to supply one.
Related guides
Questions you may have
Do I have to look someone in the eye?
This example does not require eye contact, stillness, or a particular posture. Ask how the person wants to communicate. A spoken conversation, written note, or another agreed format can carry the request; do not score listening by appearance alone.
What if I disagree with what I heard?
Separate understanding from your answer: “I understand you want the whole table. I also need a space for my project.” Check a request without pretending to accept it.
What if I cannot repeat it accurately?
Name the part you missed and ask whether the person wants to explain it another way. Do not insist on repeated explanations. They can choose to pause or stop.
When is this not the right conversation?
Stop if checking the words becomes an interrogation, a demand for disclosure, or an argument about whether someone is allowed to describe their own experience. This page is not guidance for handling abuse, coercion, crisis, or safeguarding concerns.
Updates and corrections
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