ADHD glossary · Family perspectives
Assertive communication
In this ordinary household context, assertive communication means saying your own request, preference, or limit clearly while leaving room for the other person to answer. It is not a particular volume, a prescribed sentence pattern, or a guarantee that someone will agree.
General education and practical perspectives. Editorial standards.
The question here is: How can I make clear what I am asking for without presenting my guess about someone else as a fact? A personal boundary states what you will or will not do. A request asks another person to do something. Negotiation compares possible arrangements when the first request does not settle the question.
An example: a borrowed charger
In this invented example, Dani finds that the charger they planned to use is in their sibling Luca's room. Dani wants it returned before an evening drawing session.
“You never respect my things” is a judgment about Luca, not a precise description of the requested action. Dani instead says: “I planned to use my charger at 7:00. Would you return it to my desk before then? Next time, please ask before borrowing it.”
Luca says they understood the charger was shared. That difference matters. Dani does not need to settle the history of every borrowed object to discuss this charger. They clarify who owns it and whether either person wants a new borrowing arrangement. Luca may accept the return time, ask for a different time, or decline the proposed ongoing arrangement. Silence is not a new shared rule.
Separate the parts of your message
You can write a rough note first and use only the pieces you need:
What I know happened: The charger is not at my desk; Luca says they have it.
What I want: To have it available for my drawing session at 7:00.
My request: Return it to my desk before then.
My own limit: I am not offering it as a shared household charger.
What I need clarified: Whether Luca thought we had agreed to share it.
If we do not settle it now: Pause the wider borrowing discussion and choose another time to return to it.
For another situation, check whether the requested action is identifiable. “Be considerate” leaves much more to interpretation than “Ask before moving this project.” Do not claim that a clear request obliges the other person to fulfill it or resolves questions of ownership by itself.
Clear does not have to mean spoken immediately
A teenager may prefer to send an ordinary request in writing and discuss it later. A parent may need to state their actual availability: “I can look at this after dinner, not while I am finishing my work.” A partner can ask for a household change without supplying a diagnosis or a detailed personal explanation.
You can use a short sentence, ask someone to read a draft you chose to share, or say you need more time. There is no requirement to maintain a particular posture, use eye contact, or disclose a feeling to make a request count as clear.
If the conversation goes elsewhere
Ask whether you are still discussing the same request. If the subject changes from the charger to a list of past grievances, either agree to discuss those separately or stop for now. If the proposed arrangement requires somebody else's time or belongings, bring that person into the decision before treating it as settled.
This page covers voluntary, ordinary requests only. It is not communication therapy, legal guidance, or an approach to coercion, intimidation, or abuse. A script does not make another person's response predictable or safe.
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