ADHD glossary · Family perspectives
Repair conversation: return to an ordinary disagreement without demanding closure
We use repair conversation for an optional return to an ordinary disagreement: naming a specific action, hearing any correction the other person wants to offer, and discussing what could be different next time. The conversation does not require forgiveness, equal blame, or an immediate resolution.
General education and practical perspectives. Editorial standards.
This page concerns everyday communication, not couples therapy, trauma processing, abuse response, or safeguarding. Active listening checks what someone means in the current exchange. A repair conversation looks back at a particular interaction and at the speaker's own possible next action.
Worked example: answering for someone else
In this invented scene, a grandparent asks a teen which activity they want for a family afternoon. Before the teen answers, a parent says, “They won't want that.” Later, the parent wants to return to the interruption.
The parent asks, “Do you want to talk about when I answered for you earlier? It is okay if now is not the time.” If the teen agrees, the parent can be specific: “I answered the question that was directed to you. I did not ask what you wanted. Next time I will leave the answer with you.”
The teen says, “It wasn't only the activity. I hadn't decided, and you made it sound like I had.” The parent can acknowledge that correction without adding an explanation about the teen's personality or diagnosis: “You had not decided. I presented my guess as your answer.”
If the teen wants the event information corrected, they can discuss how: the teen may tell the grandparent directly, ask the parent to correct the earlier statement, or leave it for another conversation. The parent does not announce “we have sorted it out” to the rest of the household. A sibling who overheard the interruption is not recruited to decide who was right.
This example shows possible wording, not a successful outcome. The teen may not want a conversation, and the parent's proposed next action remains theirs to carry out.
Copy a preparation note
Write about your own action, not a list of another person's faults.
The specific moment I want to revisit:
What I did or said, without assigning someone else's motive:
What I know from their words / what I do not know:
How I will ask whether they want a conversation:
What I want to acknowledge:
A correction I may need to hear:
One different action I can offer next time:
Any practical information that needs correcting, if they want that:
What I will not demand in return:
How I will respect a request to pause or stop:
Avoid using the note as evidence that you have completed your part of a relationship. It is preparation for an invitation, not a receipt for forgiveness. A person can change their own behavior without requiring someone else to discuss the incident first.
Related guides
Questions you may have
Must both people apologize?
This template requires no reciprocal statement. Start with the action you are choosing to address. Do not make your acknowledgement conditional on the other person accepting equal blame.
What if I remember the exchange differently?
Name the uncertainty: “I remember the timing differently, but I did answer the question for you.” Do not turn a disagreement about one detail into a declaration that the other person cannot describe their experience.
Can a child choose not to discuss it?
The optional conversation in this example allows “not now” or “no.” An adult can still correct their own inaccurate statement without asking the child to reassure them or manage their feelings.
When should we stop?
Pause when the other person does not want to continue, the exchange becomes a demand for reassurance, or “repair” is being used to pressure someone into dropping a concern. If the underlying situation involves coercion, abuse, threats, or safeguarding, this ordinary script is not an appropriate response plan.
Updates and corrections
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